It’s kind of sad that many people from this part of world don’t really understand the concept of relationship, dating, marriage and the differences. Here, one likes a person, and then the very next thing starts is dreaming about marriage. One starts dating, and the very next thing starts is, calling the person BF/GF.
That’s probably because parents and media here hesitate to guide youths in this aspect. Attraction is not relationship, dating is not relationship, relationship is not a ticket to marriage. Before a marriage, there is a process that modern world know well to follow, which is yet to be learned and understood properly. So, here is our attempt to guide you all young boys and girls on what all those terms mean, in a simplest way possible.
Phase I: Attracted
A guy meets a girl, girl meets a guy. They find each other pretty attractive (or sometime, only one way). That’s it. Love at first sight is bullcrap. There is nothing as such. It’s just an attraction. This is when the subject tells “I like that guy” or “I like that girl.”
Now, as you are interested, an urge builds up to know the person in depth; know the person’s taste and hobbies, and passions and everything that matter. But then, sometime you stop the urge then and there and never moves ahead and sometime you move ahead. That’s the state of attraction. Liking someone instantly or liking someone after regular contact has nothing to do with love. It’s just an ATTRACTION. As you must have heard in movie saying something, “I find you attractive.”
Now let’s say, both parties like each other and want to proceed further. This is when the dating phase starts. “Hey, can I take you out?” or “hey, can we date?” That’s how it begins — the dating phase.
Phase II: Dating
Here, you are in the dating phase. It’s not yet love. It’s not even boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is just a freaking dating, like job interview. You want to give a try, you want to know the person much beyond physical attractiveness. That’s it. Couple of dates you go for. You learn the taste and hobbies and things about the person. There is the first rule of dating: DO NOT FALL FOR YOUR DATE TOO QUICK. One should be careful enough to wisely learn about the person and see the compatibility. Great compatibility? Awesome! now, you take it to next stage that will be known as “bf/gf.”
If you find no such compatibility, you simply say “Well, nice meeting you good-looking, you are really not of my kind. Sorry.“
So understand this. When some says, “I am dating that person.” It does not really mean, they are in relationship. It just means, the person is interested up on the other side and trying to see if is the right person to get into relationship or not. However, many in Nepal, we see people taking date too seriously. Well, that’s kind of “immaturity,” we must say. Also, we can see many being labeled as “playboy” or “playgirl” just because they keep dating. Dating does not mean playing. It just means searching for the best compatible partner. After all one life, you don’t know want to end up with someone not right for you.
Anyway, this is what dating is all about. It’s about knowing the person before getting into relationship. Couple of meetings, couple of dating, couple of films and restaurants and enough to figure out whether worth trying for relationship or not.
Let’s say, couple find each other a perfect date. Now comes the next phase and that’s called RELATIONSHIP.
Phase III: Relationship
Congratulation. You are now officially eligible to change your FB status to “In relationship.” This is the stage, where there is supposed to be all the love and fun and that crazy ride of youthfulness. You fall in love, you are in love, you rise in love. All those rollercoaster moments. This is the time when you learn about weakness and strength of the person, you learn about the prospects of the person. You tell the world that you got a girlfriend or boyfriend. That I-found-my-other-half moment is now what you are into.
If dating is the job interview, this is the job training phase. Lots of things are happening does not mean you should take the job nor it means you gonna be granted the job. This is the crucial stage to decide whether the person is good enough to be father or mother of the future kid. A phase to see, if is good enough to be married and create a family or not. This period goes for pretty long time. You travel, you experiment life, you experiment youthfulness. Finally you kind of get over with the oxytocin high. Then comes ups and down, and all kinds of shitty things. Is everything going well? Is your bf/gf relationship still surviving and ready to move forward together? Does the person look perfect enough to be committed legally with? If “Yes!” Cool. Congratulation. Go get married. If “No, I don’t think will be a great spouse.” Ditch then. Don’t marry.
Is that clear enough? Wait, we will give you a best example. Have you ever wondered why in movie, when a boyfriend proposes his girlfriend for marriage, she be like “WOW.” She cries and hugs and be so thankful and all. It’s funny to some people from this part of world thinking “they live together, they have sex, they go around, and still why “marry me” proposal is taken as overwhelming moment?” You know why?? Because relationship does not grant you marriage unless you pass the relationship test. When you are proposed, that means you passed the relationship. You are considered to be perfect one to marry and live for rest of the life. So, until you are not proposed, you are just in relationship level. It’s his/her right to decide when the time comes and readiness.
In this part of world, we tend to take boyfriend or girlfriend for grant, as if one is forced to marry his/her romantic partner just because been in relationship. That’s just BULLCRAP! Great boyfriend does not necessarily mean can be a great husband and same with girlfriend. Marriage means legally committing to someone to create a family, bring children in the world, raise them together, and die gracefully. You can’t just marry someone just because you found the person cool in some point in life. Marriage comes with social and financial responsibility, and many other things needed to create a family and raise children and grow old with.
Anyway, that is that. Relationship is the “Agniparikshya” moment. Now let’s say, both turn to be great couple, confident enough that they can be a great husband/wife, there comes the proposal and happens the marriage.
Phase IV: Marriage
This is the phase when you let your relationship to be legally recognised to create a family and devote life for each other for shared goals.
Look, how simple the concept of romantic relationship is. Problems come when you jump the stages without clearing each level or comprising and taking your relationship and emotions to next level.
In bullet points,
- You don’t need to date someone, just because you find the person attractive. You are not necessarily a “date worthy” just because you are attractive.
- Just because someone asks you for date, does not mean the person is your bf/gf. Just because you are dating someone, does not mean you are committed to the person. You are just dating.
- Feel free to discontinue dating, if the person is not of your type, no matter how attractive you found the person. Don’t be desperate to hook with someone even if not compatible. You gonna cry for this stupid decision later in your life.
- If your date impresses you and is the perfect pick, go begin the relationship. But remember, he/she is not your wife or husband yet. Also, remember relationship does not grant you marriage. You gotta earn it. You gotta work to prove that you are the right one to get married to.
- If the person does not seem to be the best one to be the father or mother of your children or best to be your spouse, feel free to break up. DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTION FOOL YOU. DO NOT LET HIS/HER EMOTION FOOL YOU. You have all the rights to decide whom to marry and whom not. No one calls you a bad person for ditching someone that’s not fit to be your spouse. if all well and good, go marry. Be a wonderful parent, wonderful spouse, live your life happily, age gracefully.
Make things simple. Life is beautiful and easy if you know to live per the rule. Life becomes complicated, relationship becomes complicated when you don’t know the fundamental aspects of romance and relationship and marriage and stuffs.
Life Lesson Learned: How not to be single
I don’t remember ever being single since I crossed my teenage. It’s not that I am handsome or rich, but there was something in me – the certain traits and attitude – that made it possible for me to never experience singlehood or lonesome.
I am not trying to brag. There is nothing to brag about actually. I have been in and out of some close bonding with amazing souls. Some of those relationships had name, some never had any name but nevertheless was a beautiful togetherness. Whatever I am today, there is a touch of those amazing souls, who inspired and influenced me by carving me through their warmth and love. I was a mere canvas.
Looking back, I think I know now what I did right. The followings are the things:
Know to value who likes you as you are
In everyone’s life, there is always someone interested, regardless of how you look or who you are and you should know to value that. Out of so many people, if someone wants you then you should be taking that as a blessing and without caring anything, embrace the person if you are available. You should know to love and care even if you are not falling in love and know to genuinely be for that person till together.
Don’t look for spouse
Never look for “spouse” in those souls. What’s important is having someone in life, at that point in time, who genuinely likes you, wants you, and makes you feel warm and special. You never know where it would go. Journey should be important and not the destiny. Whether together for a night or week or month or year, just be true to the person and cherish the moment. Some relationship ends up in marriage and some before itself and that’s okay. Even the relationship that ends up in marriage can’t guarantee the togetherness till the death, so why look for spouse and cut off everyone that doesn’t seem like spouse material?
Don’t look for approval from others
Never look for anyone’s approval or wonder if your relationship with the person looks normal and usual for others. If the other person is happy and you are happy to be the reason for his/her happiness, why care if it fits into the socially-constructed narratives? Age, race, gender, etc are socially-constructed idea, and it’s obvious people will frown if you don’t fit into the idea of “perfect couple.” Your friends have their own taste and perspectives, and it’s obvious for them to disapprove of your taste and choice if it does not match with theirs. Many people are left single because the person that they could be in relationship with didn’t match with their friends or society’s tastes and preferences or ideas of ‘perfect match.”
Don’t overthink about the person
In the end, every good relationship is nothing but a good friendship, and just like how you don’t overthink over your friend, don’t overthink over anything with the person that you are happily involved with. Just go with the flow, make memories, make stories, be there for each others. In this ride, some times, you fall in love or the other side fall in love or other weird things happen, but looking back, you will realize those experiences were amazing feeling, a process set by nature to shape you, carve you, mature you. Universe works very mysteriously. Some people are sent to settle with you, and some people are sent to prepare you for someone else to come to settle with you. You never who is the person right next to you, so don’t overthink. Either way, universe is working on you.
People who are single despite been looking for, there is a high chance that the person walks with a check-list; they look for that One to settle with; they are overtly concerned about what others would say. That others may be their family, their friends, or relatives or colleagues or society. They want others to be proud of their pick, others approval over their choice made. “Chya kasto manche khojeko” hurts them and they look for someone that others don’t judge. If only life would work that way. You never know who you are going to settle with and you can’t go around screening everyone to see if fits in your check list and then only decide if to get involved with. When the time comes, you are going to settle with somebody anyway. Until that time, live your life. Out of 7 billions human, someone is choosing you. Value that. Know to give love, know to adore. Be respectful, be trustworthy, make the person feel safe around you, feel secured and cared; share love, make love, helping each other to learn and grow and get better every day. When you develop that pureness attitude in you, love is all around you. There onward, Singlehood or lonesome will only be choice made and not your fate.
Self-Motivated: The highest form of motivation
Life without motivation is a sheer living dead – you are alive but you are just a breathing log with no energy to move on your own. You can’t dream, you can’t plan, you can’t think, you simply can’t do anything that requires effort and intelligence. For a motivation-less person, everything they do is either for a sake of doing or because they are asked to do it. Everyone has at one point in life had been through that state so you know what does it feel like to live a life without motivation.
That’s why we long for motivation every now and then. We long for motivation to subscribe to gym, we long for motivation to dress well, we long for motivation to study, to read, to go out, to almost anything and everything, because in motivation, we move with energy, we bloom, we spark, we feel purposeful, happy and endured. Different people have different source of motivation. For some, motivation comes from desire to take the crush for date. For some, motivation comes from rewards and money. For some, motivation comes from a guarantee of a better future and growth.
Everyone has their own source of motivation. That’s why we all long for the source that motivates us. A desperate single long for a partner to finally get the motivation to stay fit, look good. A confused student longs for an exciting opportunity to pick the books and study. A dull employee longs for a lucrative offer to work hard and give the best and so on. However, those are basically extrinsic motivation. The problem with it we don’t have control over external factors, which means the moment the external factor dries off, you are back to our Zombie state. Think of this. You joined a gym because you wanted to have that hot body to impress your crush but you found out that your crush is getting married to somebody and you never gonna get a chance to even take her out. Will you still have the motivation to go to the gym? Probably not. Or say, you were designing a project to win a promotion but you learned that you are not going to get the promotion. Will you be still working on the project?
Though extrinsic motivation has its own perks, in real world, people generally don’t prefer the kind who can only be motivated by external factors. You must have seen that typical line in every job vacancy. “Looking for a self-motivated individual...” You know why? Because it’s much easier and fun to work with a self-motivated individual than those who can be only motivated through external factors.
Self-motivated means “motivated to do or achieve something because of one’s own enthusiasm or interest, without needing pressure from others.”
My job and work get me to meet lots of people – at home, at office, at streets; in HR table and coffee table. Based on my observation and experience, what I have found in people who lack self-motivation is that:
Those who are not self-motivated have bipolar mood patterns
People who lack self-motivation rely heavily upon external factors to get the excitement and energy hit. For them to function happily and in a cheerful manner, they need to be shown the reward in return for doing the job. The moment the reward promise is not met, they will fall back to despair. This creates huge mood swings exhibiting bipolar mood patterns in them.
Those who are not self-motivated are mostly in sad and low mood
Life is not always full of surprises and rewards. It is mostly mundane routine and uncertain attempts, which means most days are without external motivation. For people who are not self-motivated, most days are gloomy days with no energy or wants and desires, and thus are mostly in a low mood.
They waste their time over unproductive but easy-to-do activities
Whatsoever, they too have the same number of hours and they need to kill it somehow anyway. They do so either by sleeping or scrolling social media for hours or watching videos or gigs for the kick. At work, you can find them wasting their time over unproductive thing if they are not assigned any task, as they can work only under pressure or command; reward or fear.
If no one is watching them, or no pressure or check in place, they live in mess
When they are alone and unwatched, the beast in them gets unleashed. They are now only limited to must-do daily activities. All other activities get on hold. They need visitors to get their house clean and arranged properly. They need social gathering to look great. After all. they can’t function without external motivation.
They don’t put an effort to find answers, research, or learn new things and new ways
Who search for answers? The curious minds. Why some people are curious? Because they see life as an opportunity to explore, understand, and excel. The self-motivated people are a traveler to unknown, whereas those who lack self motivation are traveler to known and certainties. They have no interest to look for answers for sake of knowing. Their psychological construct is as such that they are not here to explore on their own.
Motivation, be it intrinsic or extrinsic, is the engine that moves us. However, intrinsic motivation is the highest form of motivation because you carry the engine inside you. It’s not that self-motivated people don’t care about rewards. It is just that rewards to them is secondary. Process is what they enjoy. They do it for their own well being, for their own long-term goals and purpose they are driven by. They are here to serve their own life. They maintain their house for themselves and not for visitors. They join gym and stay fit for themselves and not to show others. They take up projects and give their 100% not to please boss hoping for better paycheck but because they want to leave the legacy for themselves. They study not just to crack the exam but to pave their path to being expert on the subject. That’s why it’s fun to be with self motivated people and why they are preferred in job, preferred in relationship or partnership of any kind. You don’t need to constantly feed them motivation and still they do their part.
People lacking self-motivation are trapped between looking depressed but not suffering from depression, acting bipolar but not really bipolar, constantly searching for hits and sparks to find the reason to remain joyful, look normal. For them to function in a healthy manner, they need new set of motivation everyday and it’s tiring and frustrating, whereas for self-motivated people they wake up motivated everyday because they don’t need to search for a motivation. Motivation is always inside them. Self is the motivation enough to put them in shoes and make them run with joy.
What happens after marriage
Warning: This post may tempt you to get married.
Other than lots of sex, it’s like your best friend with you forever.
You have a friend to watch movies together with.
You have a fashion designer to suggest to you what looks good on you. You have a chef to treat you with different tastes.
You have a mirror to see you at your worst and at your best. You have a diary to pour your heart out or express your frustration out from work. You have a lap to lie down when too tired and down.
You have a ride to go for a shopping.
And you have another family and relatives that comes along with your marriage, who love you, like you, respect you unconditionally because now you are part of their family as well.
Basically, after marriage, you always will have someone to count on any activity that makes you happy. Of course, it’s not always rainbow and sunshine. There will be times when you will fight dog and cat, but unlike gf-bf fight, being husband-wife means end of the day, you have to share the bed where after some drama, things will get back to your loving and caring mode. No fight goes beyond 24 hours.
There will also be days where a third person from the family will make things unpleasant, will ruin moods, but you always find a way to deal as a team and get through it like a team.
In all these things, you will grow more; you will feel being ready for your own child to bring to this world. Together, you will start seeing your own house from the future, where you will be having your own junior versions and maybe a dog, just like in the movie. You start becoming more serious about earning, serious about life for the child you plan to bring.
For all that to happen though, you should marry your best friend that you are in love with and vice versa. If you compromise and marry for sake of marrying, you gonna miss all the things mentioned above.
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