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The Grey Zone, where the sh%t happens

A perspective to give a broader view on the avoidable mistake.

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Though it applies in both genders, let me put it in a male tone.

Every guy has three types of girls in life:
Type I: She likes him, is romantically interested in him.
Type II: She likes him for a specific thing, for example, likes him because he is quite intelligent, likes him for his writing or signing, likes him for his leadership skill, but that like is not “romantically interested.” She adores him, admires him for specific traits or skills or his profile.
Type III: She does not like him at all. She may talk as a gesture of being nice when around, but she is least interested on him or his profile or work.

When you meet the Type I girl, you can know instantly that she is interested in you. She gives that deep looks, throws a special aura to you, her body language, her tone everything seems very clear to you that she is up to you romantically. She finds a way to talk to you, she plans to get to you. She is so obvious.

When you meet the Type III girl, you as well can tell instantly that she does not give a damn about you. She too is quite obvious and you know she is not the one to chase or invest your time and energy on.

But the Type II girl often confuses you. She as well gives that deep looks, loves to listen to you, smiles for you, throws the aura of comfort and acceptance, which feels so much like as if you being liked by her and is interested in you. However, deep inside, you know something is missing, because you are biologically capable to know the romantic signal and it’s missing in this type. But, you are too clouded in confusion that you want to push yourself to far just to end up in the real shit.

Most guys mess up with Type II because he misjudged her closeness with romantic interest and pushed himself too far to ruin everything.

We all are biologically capable to know the type. All we need is a critical mind to avoid the cognitive bias. Wise thing to do is, assume nothing and instead talk to clear any doubt or curiosity.

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Life & Stuffs

Why low confidence and how to deal with it

This self-help article is written by a certified life coach.

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Image via Babin Shrestha

Low self-confidence – a major problem among the younger generation. Even KMAG had conducted a survey asking its followers to anonymously tell what is their biggest weakness and most of the respondents were mentioning lack of confidence being their biggest weakness.


Self confidence in simple term is the feeling of trust in one’s own abilities, qualities and
judgement. It is a state of being certain in your own skills and abilities.  It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. You know your strengths and weakness well, and have a positive view of yourself. You set realistic
expectations and goals, communicate assertively, and can handle criticism well.


On the other hand, low self-confidence might make you feel full of self-doubt, be passive
or submissive, or have difficulty trusting others. You may feel inferior, unloved, or be
sensitive to criticism.


Feeling confident in yourself might depend on the situation. For instance, you can feel
very confident in some areas, such as academics, but lack confidence in others, like
relationships. Self-confidence is said to be heavily based on a person’s past experience. If you had good experiences, you are more likely to have high self-confidence, and if you had some negative experiences than it is likely to have contributed to the lack of self-confidence in you.

Where does lack of self-confidence come from?

From a Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) point of view – it comes from one main
limiting belief “I am not good enough”. This belief comes from your own negative experiences, repetitive suggestions from your own thoughts or others or constant comparison with others.

Let’s take a closer look into this.

High Expectations

It starts right from your childhood. Most people who lack self-confidence had way too high
expectations from their parents, teachers and other significant people around them. If
your performance was not to their desired standard and they were extremely critical of
you, you might have lost your confidence as a result. And you carry that behavior into
adulthood.


For instance, you were most likely not the most brilliant student in your class and your
parents or teachers were quite critical of you for the performance. You were not good enough in their eyes. This culture of having too much expectations from children, right from a very young age is a contributing factor to the lack of self confidence in our youths.

Comparison


Comparison is what kills your confidence. It is so natural and common to compare yourself
to others, but as you probably are aware, it often makes you unhappy. It feeds your ego
the lack and separation, even if you have enough and should be happy with what you
have. Whether you are comparing yourself to someone else you think is better than you or someone else makes a judgmental comment to you based on the comparison, either way,
it has a massive impact on your self-confidence when you feel that you are inferior.


As a kid, you compared yourself to the kid who always came first in the class and was the
favorite student of the teachers and you asked yourself “Why can’t I have that kind of
attention
?”


So, what can you do to increase your self-confidence?

Stop comparing yourself with others

The only person you need to compare yourself with is your old self, no one else.
You see, everyone has their own journey in life. You cannot walk someone else’s
journey and they cannot walk yours. So acknowledge and accept who you are and
where you are in your life.


So, the first step to overcome comparison is to become aware of your habit. Once you
realize you’re comparing yourself with others, give yourself a break. Don’t berate
yourself or feel bad — just acknowledge that it is just a thought, and gently change
focus. Focus on counting your blessings. Think what you do have, what you are already
blessed with. Express your gratitude to those things that you already have.

Change your focus

What we focus on expands. It has a huge impact on your personality.  Your self-confidence is low because of the negative emotions you have associated with self. Changing your focus to the positive side can provide a boost in your self-confidence.


Make a list of your strengths and achievements so far. Paste this list in a place where
you can see it every single day, preferably in a place that you see it early in the
morning. And refer back to it every single day. When you start your day with positive energy that drives self-belief, you shift your perspective and treat your mistakes as passing events in your life that teach you something new.

Set an intention for the day and plan ahead

The best way of gaining control of your day is by planning out your day and starting it the way you want to. We feel good when we feel like things are under our control. And this has everything to do with your confidence! Start your day with an intention. Tell yourself how you want to feel today.  Do it first thing in the morning, after a shower or during
meditation. Visualize how you want this day to unfold. When you prepare yourself in
advance for the day, you act from a responsive state instead of reactive state
throughout the day. The day is in your control and not the other way round.  It is important that you keep your intention alive in mind throughout the day. It really causes a massive difference in your state of being and ultimately your self-confidence.

Hang the monster – the inner critic

The voice inside your head, the inner critic can become a harsh demon if unleashed. At
times, this little voice can be helpful in keeping you motivated towards your goals. But
if that voice gets more negative than positive, then it can be more harmful than
helpful.   Negative self-talk is that inner dialogue you have with yourself that limits your ability to believe in yourself and reach your highest potential. It is any thought that
diminishes you and your ability to make positive changes in your life.  In order to keep these thoughts in check, first you need to become aware of it. Observe your thoughts when you are being self-critical. Then, remind yourself that these thoughts and feelings are not necessarily true. Neutralize the negative thoughts by changing the language you use and use positive words instead of negative words that empower you. When you have empowering thoughts, your self-confidence returns.

Face the fear and do it anyway


Fear is another major factor for diminished self-confidence. In order to get on top of
it, you must face it and take the action. There is no other way around this. When you
try new things, you open up to new experiences, you grow and your confidence
increases. The positive feeling of accomplishment and progress you make proves your
inner critic wrong. You also realize that the voice that said – “You are not good
enough” was in fact wrong. This change in your perspective provides a massive boost in
your self-confidence as you start trusting in your abilities again!


So, do that one thing that you have always wanted to do but were scared to take
action, one step at a time, to build that confidence.

Let go off perfectionism

Perfection does not exist! We all know that intellectually, but emotionally we seem to
feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. If
you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are,
you are unique and special in your own way. So learn to embrace your flaws and be
kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for making mistakes or not knowing things. Remind
yourself that you have the ability to improve in what you aren’t good at and learn
what you don’t know.

Learn to embrace enough


“I am enough/ I have enough”

If you always chase material things, you will never have enough. You will always want
more. That’s an endless cycle, and chasing material things like that will never lead to
happiness. No matter how much money you have in your bank account, no matter how
many houses you own, no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … it still won’t be
enough for you. Instead of constantly chasing these things, focus on what really makes
you happy from inside. Go inwards. Learn to realize that you are enough and what you
have is already enough.

That’s it. There is actually more to it if you low confidence issue is much deeper and complex, but in generally what I wrote above should be enough to guide you through in overcoming your low confidence issue.

You are awesome. Keep rocking.

About the writer:
Reshma Baral is a life coach who specialises in helping people build their self-confidence
and excel in their careers. Originally from Nepal, she currently resides in Australia. She is
a Master Practitioner of Neuro Linguistic Programming & Hypnotherapy and knows how
people’s beliefs and values shape their lives.

Besides that, she is also a Chartered Accountant and works full time in that capacity.

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People don’t forget the way you made them feel

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We often think “once everything becomes alright, all the bad things and relationships will be fixed as well.” Some of us have a habit of not picking up calls when in middle of something even if is being called many times thinking “will call later and make things alright” or “anyway am meeting the caller in the evening, I will talk then.”

Or, we avoid talks or contacts with some people that we are supposed to pay or deliver a commitment thinking “will talk once am able to pay or deliver the commitment.

Later, we often manage to pay or deliver or meet them, but things don’t remain same from there onward. We turn out to be a bad person though deep inside we are a good soul. Here, though it took time, but we didn’t cheat or betray.  Still people ignore us, friends and relatives set a distance from us; they don’t trust us and we wonder “what did I do?

WHAT DID WE DO? we made people go through unpleasant emotions. And those people don’t want to go through that emotions again. So, instead of calling hundred times and going through “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” with that angry unpleasant feeling, they learn to not call you and avoid the unpleasant emotion. Instead of giving you money, and go through the anxious feeling of “WILL HE EVEN RETURN THE MONEY?” they learn to not give you money in first place and avoid the unpleasant emotion.

Same goes in romantic relationship. That’s how once-a-great relationship dies off without a clue. Deep inside, it’s because of the same reason stated above.

Many good people by heart have messed up in interpersonal relationship (ghar-samaj bevahar) simply because of this one little thing that they could not consider and understand.

Humans are very easy animal if you rightly understand their pleasure-seeking nature and their tendency to avoid/reject unpleasant emotions and activities.  If you don’t want others to cut you off from their life, don’t feed them or push them to unpleasant emotions and activities.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelou

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