I don’t remember ever being single since I crossed my teenage. It’s not that I am handsome or rich, but there was something in me – the certain traits and attitude – that made it possible for me to never experience singlehood or lonesome.

I am not trying to brag. There is nothing to brag about actually. I have been in and out of some close bonding with amazing souls. Some of those relationships had name, some never had any name but nevertheless was a beautiful togetherness. Whatever I am today, there is a touch of those amazing souls, who inspired and influenced me by carving me through their warmth and love. I was a mere canvas.

Looking back, I think I know now what I did right. The followings are the things:

Know to value who likes you as you are

In everyone’s life, there is always someone interested, regardless of how you look or who you are and you should know to value that. Out of so many people, if someone wants you then you should be taking that as a blessing and without caring anything, embrace the person if you are available. You should know to love and care even if you are not falling in love and know to genuinely be for that person till together.

Don’t look for spouse

Never look for “spouse” in those souls. What’s important is having someone in life, at that point in time, who genuinely likes you, wants you, and makes you feel warm and special. You never know where it would go. Journey should be important and not the destiny. Whether together for a night or week or month or year, just be true to the person and cherish the moment. Some relationship ends up in marriage and some before itself and that’s okay. Even the relationship that ends up in marriage can’t guarantee the togetherness till the death, so why look for spouse and cut off everyone that doesn’t seem like spouse material?

Don’t look for approval from others

Never look for anyone’s approval or wonder if your relationship with the person looks normal and usual for others. If the other person is happy and you are happy to be the reason for his/her happiness, why care if it fits into the socially-constructed narratives? Age, race, gender, etc are socially-constructed idea, and it’s obvious people will frown if you don’t fit into the idea of “perfect couple.” Your friends have their own taste and perspectives, and it’s obvious for them to disapprove of your taste and choice if it does not match with theirs. Many people are left single because the person that they could be in relationship with didn’t match with their friends or society’s tastes and preferences or ideas of ‘perfect match.”

Don’t overthink about the person

In the end, every good relationship is nothing but a good friendship, and just like how you don’t overthink over your friend, don’t overthink over anything with the person that you are happily involved with. Just go with the flow, make memories, make stories, be there for each others. In this ride, some times, you fall in love or the other side fall in love or other weird things happen, but looking back, you will realize those experiences were amazing feeling, a process set by nature to shape you, carve you, mature you. Universe works very mysteriously. Some people are sent to settle with you, and some people are sent to prepare you for someone else to come to settle with you. You never who is the person right next to you, so don’t overthink. Either way, universe is working on you.

People who are single despite been looking for, there is a high chance that the person walks with a check-list; they look for that One to settle with; they are overtly concerned about what others would say. That others may be their family, their friends, or relatives or colleagues or society. They want others to be proud of their pick, others approval over their choice made. “Chya kasto manche khojeko” hurts them and they look for someone that others don’t judge. If only life would work that way. You never know who you are going to settle with and you can’t go around screening everyone to see if fits in your check list and then only decide if to get involved with. When the time comes, you are going to settle with somebody anyway. Until that time, live your life. Out of 7 billions human, someone is choosing you. Value that. Know to give love, know to adore. Be respectful, be trustworthy, make the person feel safe around you, feel secured and cared; share love, make love, helping each other to learn and grow and get better every day. When you develop that pureness attitude in you, love is all around you. There onward, Singlehood or lonesome will only be choice made and not your fate.

Life without motivation is a sheer living dead – you are alive but you are just a breathing log with no energy to move on your own. You can’t dream, you can’t plan, you can’t think, you simply can’t do anything that requires effort and intelligence. For a motivation-less person, everything they do is either for a sake of doing or because they are asked to do it. Everyone has at one point in life had been through that state so you know what does it feel like to live a life without motivation.

That’s why we long for motivation every now and then. We long for motivation to subscribe to gym, we long for motivation to dress well, we long for motivation to study, to read, to go out, to almost anything and everything, because in motivation, we move with energy, we bloom, we spark, we feel purposeful, happy and endured. Different people have different source of motivation. For some, motivation comes from desire to take the crush for date. For some, motivation comes from rewards and money. For some, motivation comes from a guarantee of a better future and growth.

Everyone has their own source of motivation. That’s why we all long for the source that motivates us. A desperate single long for a partner to finally get the motivation to stay fit, look good. A confused student longs for an exciting opportunity to pick the books and study. A dull employee longs for a lucrative offer to work hard and give the best and so on. However, those are basically extrinsic motivation. The problem with it we don’t have control over external factors, which means the moment the external factor dries off, you are back to our Zombie state. Think of this. You joined a gym because you wanted to have that hot body to impress your crush but you found out that your crush is getting married to somebody and you never gonna get a chance to even take her out. Will you still have the motivation to go to the gym? Probably not. Or say, you were designing a project to win a promotion but you learned that you are not going to get the promotion. Will you be still working on the project?

Though extrinsic motivation has its own perks, in real world, people generally don’t prefer the kind who can only be motivated by external factors. You must have seen that typical line in every job vacancy. “Looking for a self-motivated individual...” You know why? Because it’s much easier and fun to work with a self-motivated individual than those who can be only motivated through external factors.

Self-motivated means “motivated to do or achieve something because of one’s own enthusiasm or interest, without needing pressure from others.”

My job and work get me to meet lots of people – at home, at office, at streets; in HR table and coffee table. Based on my observation and experience, what I have found in people who lack self-motivation is that:

Those who are not self-motivated have bipolar mood patterns

People who lack self-motivation rely heavily upon external factors to get the excitement and energy hit. For them to function happily and in a cheerful manner, they need to be shown the reward in return for doing the job. The moment the reward promise is not met, they will fall back to despair. This creates huge mood swings exhibiting bipolar mood patterns in them.

Those who are not self-motivated are mostly in sad and low mood

Life is not always full of surprises and rewards. It is mostly mundane routine and uncertain attempts, which means most days are without external motivation. For people who are not self-motivated, most days are gloomy days with no energy or wants and desires, and thus are mostly in a low mood.

They waste their time over unproductive but easy-to-do activities

Whatsoever, they too have the same number of hours and they need to kill it somehow anyway. They do so either by sleeping or scrolling social media for hours or watching videos or gigs for the kick. At work, you can find them wasting their time over unproductive thing if they are not assigned any task, as they can work only under pressure or command; reward or fear.

If no one is watching them, or no pressure or check in place, they live in mess

When they are alone and unwatched, the beast in them gets unleashed. They are now only limited to must-do daily activities. All other activities get on hold. They need visitors to get their house clean and arranged properly. They need social gathering to look great. After all. they can’t function without external motivation.

They don’t put an effort to find answers, research, or learn new things and new ways

Who search for answers? The curious minds. Why some people are curious? Because they see life as an opportunity to explore, understand, and excel. The self-motivated people are a traveler to unknown, whereas those who lack self motivation are traveler to known and certainties. They have no interest to look for answers for sake of knowing. Their psychological construct is as such that they are not here to explore on their own.

In summary

Motivation, be it intrinsic or extrinsic, is the engine that moves us. However, intrinsic motivation is the highest form of motivation because you carry the engine inside you. It’s not that self-motivated people don’t care about rewards. It is just that rewards to them is secondary. Process is what they enjoy. They do it for their own well being, for their own long-term goals and purpose they are driven by. They are here to serve their own life. They maintain their house for themselves and not for visitors. They join gym and stay fit for themselves and not to show others. They take up projects and give their 100% not to please boss hoping for better paycheck but because they want to leave the legacy for themselves. They study not just to crack the exam but to pave their path to being expert on the subject. That’s why it’s fun to be with self motivated people and why they are preferred in job, preferred in relationship or partnership of any kind. You don’t need to constantly feed them motivation and still they do their part.

People lacking self-motivation are trapped between looking depressed but not suffering from depression, acting bipolar but not really bipolar, constantly searching for hits and sparks to find the reason to remain joyful, look normal. For them to function in a healthy manner, they need new set of motivation everyday and it’s tiring and frustrating, whereas for self-motivated people they wake up motivated everyday because they don’t need to search for a motivation. Motivation is always inside them. Self is the motivation enough to put them in shoes and make them run with joy.

Dear Love,

Let me tell you this again and again. I love you, loud and proud; deeply, madly, truly. Never thought, I would be loving anyone this much. You know, I used to find it funny when people say “I would die for you” but now I know such feeling is real, because I can relate. Damn! you got me.

Spending rest of my life with you was my biggest dream and I would want nothing more. Serving you, caring for you, growing old with you, they are the desires I long for every day, every second. Despite, I am calling off this relationship because it hurts to be an option. This may look harsh and hasty decision but trust me, I am saying this to you for the first time, but it has been in my head for many months now. So please take this as my final decision.

I know you have always tried your best to make me feel loved and cared, but even in those moments of love and care, I could sense you were only trying to be nice and babe, that hurts like hell. Every time when we were together in cafe, in street, in house party at friends place, I could see your mind and eyes were constantly searching for better one that you wish were with you instead of me. I pretended to never felt that way but deep inside, I always could feel “I am just an option” and it feels like shi*t to be “just an option.”

I tried fooling myself zillions times “hey stop overthinking” but how can I convince myself with those arrhythmic steps, wandering eyes, lost and zoned out you even in my presence? You can pretend but not your nerves, not your lips, not your touch. I appreciate your attempt of trying out so hard to synchronise your verbal and non-verbal gesture but your biology just can’t lie. Sorry babe, I have mastered over you. I wish I could never read those non-verbal gestures.

I know I am the one you would be happily settling with if you could not find someone better than me, and I know you would love me and care for me but again only if you couldn’t find someone better. Yes, Yes! That I have been saying. That “being option” is killing me, my love. I don’t want to be an option and live insecure forever fearing when you will find your ideal partner and me being dumped. I want to be The One, like the way you are to me, but you are not. And hey! it’s okay, you don’t have to be. When you find your ideal one, you will definitely be The One.

So love of my life, I am calling this off with heavy heart, drowning in the pool of tears but I know, it is still a better option than to be in somebody’s life as an option, especially when that somebody is world to you.

Please don’t try to find me to console me. I will find the solace in the agony because I know whatever the hell I will be going through for now will still be a temporary which is still better than the temporary feeling of being loved and cared just to fall in the same loop of “just an option,” after some days.

I am giving up on you. Sorry!

Goodbye,